XVI                                                                                                                                 


    Nearly a month goes by. As life attempts to convince us how necessary and responsible it is to get back to the old grind; somehow we also find easy access to fall back to the grind of our old ways.

    Cindy knows that things are far from being all right. But she also feels something else which she doesn’t know how to categorize. She waits until Stephen leaves for work. Then she loads the children into the van and heads off to the Doctor’s office.

    Cindy has her suspicions and the Doctor’s visit confirms it. She’s pregnant again.

    Cindy recalls the moment. It is not difficult to know what day she conceived. It was the only day they had been at real peace with one another, and had spent most of the day in each other’s arms. That was the day Stephen had called work and told them he wasn’t coming in.

    How had things fallen apart after that? Oh yes, those so-called commitments …commitments other than to each other. Those commitments towards each other were not stressed enough. And that caused extreme stress.

    It was Fernye who'd first begun to realize it. She also felt she was partly responsible. She had always felt that we should take the opportunities that come our way. When she was young, those opportunities weren't as numerous, and you had to act when one came along. 

    Fernye took a similar approach to spiritual life. She used every opportunity to get involved in activity and to share her faith with others. But somehow she now felt God wanted her to slow down. God didn't want her to stop, just change directions. It’s the same for driving a car, or running on foot. You have to slow down if you’re going to change directions. And for Fernye, that direction pointed towards supporting Cindy.

    Stephen had just left for work. Shannon is putting on a skit for Leah and Josiah. She is using the stuffed animals, putting on a performance similar to what Dad would do.

    Fernye steps into the laundry room with Cindy to help her sort clothes for washing, “Have you talked with Stephen yet?”
  

304 

    Cindy begins loading the washer, “No, I forgot. I guess I’ll have to talk with him tomorrow morning. My mind has been too much on the other thing.”

    Fernye hands her the detergent, “It’s the other thing that I’m talking about!”

    Cindy turns the dial on the washer, “No, I’ve been waiting for the perfect moment. So far it just hasn’t worked.”

    The washer doesn’t seem to work for Cindy either. Fernye reaches over to give it a try, “Moments seldom meet perfection.”

    Cindy shows her frustration, “I’m looking for a good moment. It doesn’t have to be perfect; I just want a moment alone when we can talk. What’s wrong with this washer? It won't work!”

    Fernye shows her frustration, “Forget the washer! You have to tell Stephen. And yes, you have to do something about the two of you. It’s just not healthy for a baby to be born into the middle of a struggling marriage. You have to slow down and create a few healthy moments for you and Stephen. After you received that teacher award, you said you were tired of the way everything was going. You said you were prepared to let Stephen lead. Well, he led you to the altar, but that seems to be the only place you’ve let him lead you.”

    Cindy doesn’t say anything, so Fernye continues, “I looked at the attention you received from the debate with Leonard Ewald and enthusiastically encouraged you to pursue those invitations …to speak at all those churches, to meet all those people, and share in their activities too. But I think I was wrong.”

    Just then the phone rings. Cindy has an answering machine, but what if it’s the prayer chain? She had volunteered to be a part of it.  It’s part of her responsibility, “Grandma, please excuse me. I’d better answer that phone.”

    Fernye contemplates the dilemma she partly feels responsible for. Cindy is out of earshot as Fernye talks aloud, “You’ll have to name that child, 'Busy', because that’s what it will be if you don’t slow down.”

    Cindy returns in a moment, “That was Rebekkah. She wanted to remind us of our trip to Lansing tomorrow.”

    Fernye had forgotten, “That’s right ...I guess we did make that commitment. We can’t let them down. But after this weekend, no more commitments outside the home. You’ve got to slow down!”

    Stephen is on his way to work. He is anxious about the big meeting he is supposed to have with Frank. Frank wants a thorough update on how Stephen feels things are progressing on the unit, and with Casey.

    The cellphone rings, “Stephen. This is Frank. We won’t be able to meet today. Some unexpected business came up. We’ll have to reschedule for Monday. Come in a little early Monday, so I can meet with you before work. Sorry, I had to cancel today, but …gotta go.”

305 

     Stephen has a lot on his mind other than work. But concerning work, he decides he will tell Frank he wants out. He can’t stand not telling Cindy anything about all of this. He hates the secrecy. He hates trying to give her an explanation without explaining.

    When Stephen arrives on the unit, he discovers that Lisa had called in. He had been looking forward to working with Lisa. She had a unique way of making a stressful day feel less stressful. But maybe if Stephen just focuses and gets into the work routines, then the aggravations that usually center around Casey won’t dominate his thoughts.

    That hope diminishes as Casey returns from doing a couple of room searches. Stephen can’t prevent the negative thoughts. He is convinced that Casey is up to no good. Since day one, he'd never seen Casey do a room search. Something is up …Stephen can just feel it!

    Casey must be up to something. Or is it that Stephen has had such struggles lately? Frank had chosen Stephen for his positive attitude, but now he is only assuming the worst. His goal is to bring Casey around and encourage positive behavior, but he realizes he has allowed himself to get off his focus. He shouldn’t be so concerned about what Casey is doing. He needs to concentrate more on his own attitude.

    Stephen doesn’t want to become part of the problem. That would be totally counter-productive. In order to help bring about change, he first has to attempt to visualize the change.

    Suddenly, it hits Stephen! Is this the approach he is to take at home too? But how can it be? How can the same struggles emerge with two completely opposite people? Casey and Cindy are nothing alike. Why would two radically different situations command the same solution?

    Anyway, right now, the work situation seems to be taking care of itself. Stephen had felt that Casey was up to something, but Casey appears to be organizing a ‘Spades’ tournament. And he is not just controlling the entire activity himself. As shocking as it appears, he is encouraging volunteers to help set it up.

    Quite naturally, Crazy Larry volunteers, enjoying the leadership role. Crazy Larry sets up seven tables. He probably wouldn’t be able to get everyone to participate, so seven should cover it. Then he begins to place a deck of cards on each table. 

     At this time, Trucker enters the room, having just finished taking his shower. He stands at the end of the room as Crazy Larry places the last deck of cards on the table near where Trucker is standing. 

    Crazy Larry smiles, “Oh, are you going to play too, Trucker?”

    Trucker mumbles, “Us truckers would be better to have no friends at all. I should have learned that lesson long ago!”

    Stephen is certain that those are the last words Crazy Larry will be hearing for a while, as Larry goes flying backwards, his feet actually leaving the floor.

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     Stephen has barely enough time to react. He saw it coming, but it was too late to divert. He is thankful that it was only a backhand, not a fist. And he is also thankful that he was able to react in time. Not in time to prevent the initial hit, but just in time to prevent Larry from smashing his head against the wall.

    Stephen catches Larry under the arms and supports him. Trucker collects his cards from the tables and goes to his room. Casey keys the door, locking Trucker in his room.

    Crazy Larry regains consciousness after several minutes and remarkably is able to walk down the hallway. Larry stops at Trucker’s door and asks if they can talk about it. But Trucker remains silent.

    Stephen walks down the hallway, “Now might not be the right time to talk. Why don’t you take a shower, Larry. Maybe later you can try talking.”

    Trucker refuses to eat the dinner that is brought to his room. This is very unlike Trucker. He has never turned down a meal. 

    Stephen walks down to Trucker’s room. He knocks. 

    Trucker continues to play Solitaire. He does not turn around. 

     Stephen knocks again. Still no response. 

    Stephen keys the door. Trucker does not turn around, but his voice penetrates the corridor, “Get out, I’m warning you!”

    Stephen had not stepped in, but leaves the door ajar, “I’m not coming in. I just wanted to tell you that I’m saving your dinner, in case you feel like eating later.”

    Trucker hollers, “No! And quit trying to be my friend!”

    Stephen whispers, “I’m not trying to be your friend. I’m offering you the same as I would anyone else. It means a lot to me to treat everyone equally. I’m just trying to be fair. And in fairness, I have to tell you, I know Larry didn’t take your cards. He has been your friend, and now you have given him a reason not to be, but he still is. Now to me, that’s more than just a friend.”

    Stephen relocks the door, as is the Doctor’s order, and he leaves. He doesn’t concern himself with it. The truth was stated. That’s all he can do. Well, almost. He steps to the back of the television room, keeping his eyes open, so he can still supervise the group. But with eyes open, he prays.

    Stephen doesn’t know what impact his prayer will have, but it’s not about him. It’s about He whom he is praying to. And God wants us to pray.

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 ***************** 

     Stephen’s focus is too affected in a personal way to consistently do the most obvious and the most important to him ---to continue to pray for his family. 

     He has much quiet time to reflect as he drives home. But his thoughts are deflected. As he arrives home and steps into the kitchen, he sees the note. He reads aloud, “The washing machine is broken.”

    Once again, the burden of a constant occupation of things to do, drives him back into an overwhelming state. He just stands there, holding the note. It slips from his hand and floats to the floor. This evening he is totally spent. He showers and goes to bed.

     Stephen does not sleep well. He very sluggishly folds his pillow in half to get more fluff, and turns to sleep on his other side. 

     He hears stirring about. Then he hears whining. He raises up on one elbow. Shannon and Leah walk by. Then Cindy appears at the door.

    Stephen yawns, “What’s up?”

    Cindy responds anxiously, “We’re up! The children and I are going to Lansing. Sorry to wake you. We’ll be gone in a few. It’ll be quiet then, so you can sleep.”

    Stephen sits up, “I wish you’d told me about this.”

    Cindy steps into the bathroom, answering from there, “I did mention that I had plans for Saturday.”

     Stephen gets up and appears in the bathroom doorway where Cindy is brushing her hair, “You have plans every day. I didn’t think twice about you mentioning you had plans. But I never recall you mentioning, Lansing. That’s a couple hours drive.”

     Cindy continues to brush her hair, “Grandma and I made these plans last week.”

     Stephen leans against the door post, “Why are you taking the children?”

     Cindy begins to brush her teeth and answers with a mouth full of toothpaste, “So you can sleep!”

     Stephen stretches his arm up the door frame and yawns again, “But, Lansing is an all day trip. You know I don’t like to be away from the children on my day off.”

     Cindy spits out the toothpaste, “Then come with me! But hurry, we’re supposed to meet someone there for brunch.”

     Stephen is tired and overwhelmed. He just stands there as Cindy spits out some mouthwash, “Besides, it won’t be an all day trip. I have to be back here by late afternoon. There’s a banquet I have to speak at.”

     Stephen challenges, “Have to?”

308 

     Cindy kisses Stephen on the cheek, “We have to go! If you’re coming, could you please dress Josiah? He whined when I tried to do it. You’re better at those sort of things.”

     Stephen is tired and agitated. He feels he’s just been manipulated. 

     Cindy knows he doesn’t want to be away from the children, so she had obviously planned for him to come. But by not asking, she felt he couldn’t accuse her of such. 

     Stephen had it all figured out. He would have to tend to the children, as always, while she visits and enjoys the brunch. She knows he doesn’t enjoy any of this. 

     Stephen picks up the shirt beside Josiah. Josiah is frowning and holding tight to his pillow. Stephen kisses Josiah on the cheek, “Good morning, Josiah.” 

     Josiah grunts. 

     Stephen tries to quickly pull the shirt over his head. Josiah whines. Stephen quickly takes the shirt off and grumbles, “This shirt doesn’t even fit!”

     Stephen’s hope is that Cindy hadn’t heard that. It was one of those sleeveless shirts that Stephen didn’t like, and he had tried to put Josiah’s head through one of the arm holes. At least it wasn’t one of those goofy ‘button beneath the crotch’ ones, like he wore last year.  Stephen quickly slips the shirt over Josiah’s head, correctly this time. Then he puts the pants on Josiah.

     Josiah mixes his cries with screams, “I want up—shirt! Not a down—shirt!”

     Stephen doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know what Josiah is talking about nor how to help him stop crying. Josiah keeps screaming.

     Stephen feels that Josiah screams too much, and doesn’t get enough firm redirection, “If you don’t stop screaming, I’ll pull your shirt up, your pants down, and I’ll give you a sore butt.”

     Cindy walks into the room, “Don’t talk to him that way! That’s the reason he screams. He senses your tenseness.”

     Stephen disagrees, but chooses humor over an argument, “I think he’s just hungry. If he kept screaming, I was going to give him a Sorbet, you know, a yogurt.”

     Cindy frowns, “That’s not what you said! All he wanted was for his shirt to be tucked into his pants. That’s an up-shirt. You don’t have to threaten him with a spanking.” 

 309

************ 

      On their way to pick up Fernye, Stephen asks, “How did you get hooked into this banquet?”

     Cindy explains, “Rebekkah introduced me to this family. And they invited me to the banquet. They are really nice. We’re going to go to their church tomorrow.”

     Stephen has an edge to his voice, “They asked you if you would come to their church and you said, yes? It was that simple?”

     Cindy assures, “Don’t worry, I’m not the main speaker this time.”

     Stephen can’t hide his tenseness, “Then why did you say yes? You know, that really bugs me when people invite you to their church. They don’t ask if you belong to another church or if you’re happy with the church you go to. I really feel it’s wrong when they do that.”

     Cindy is only half listening, “Do what?”

     Stephen turns onto Grandma’s street, “They don’t ask if you go to church on a regular basis and say that’s good. They invite you to their church.”

     Cindy tries to listen and joins the conversation, “Isn’t that a form of politeness?”

     Stephen is defensive, “No, most of the time I don’t think it is. Because if you tell them you attend another church, they go on and on …about all the things their church has to offer. Either it’s a huge comparison and a lot of bragging, or it’s an attempt to persuade you to leave your church and join theirs. I feel it’s a form of unfaithfulness. And they encourage it! We are called a church family. We attend our own church. We don’t attend other people’s class reunions. We don’t attend other people’s family reunions.”

     As they pull into Fernye’s driveway, Cindy adds, “We’re not being unfaithful. They go to the same church as your mom. Your mom called yesterday, you know.”

     Stephen has both concern and sarcasm in his voice, “How would I know? And why did you wait until now to tell me?”

     Cindy shares the concern, but not the sarcasm, “She fell and hurt her hip. She asked if we take her to church. I said, yes.”

     Stephen is embarrassed by his previous overreaction, but he also feels he had been baited into it, “Why didn’t you tell me that she’d fallen?”

     Cindy steps out of the van to get Grandma, “She called after you left for work. When was I going to tell you?”

310 

 ************ 

      By the time Saturday night arrives, Stephen is really exhausted. As they gather together for prayer in the bedroom, Shannon and Leah relax quietly. But Josiah begins to whine, “I want up-shirt!”

     For Stephen, the day had been too long. Stephen tucks Josiah’s pajama top into his pajama bottom, “There! Now you can up—shut about your up—shirt, …so we can pray.”

    Josiah is at the age where he is just beginning to pray. He begins with, “Dear God, ...“, then goes off on all sorts of tangents. It is kind of cute, as he sort of talks himself to sleep. This happens often. And often if he’s just fading off to sleep, but not quite done with his prayer, and someone else begins to pray, he begins to whine. So everyone waits until they are quite certain Josiah is asleep.

    But Stephen also begins to fall asleep. He hears Leah’s prayer, but nods off somewhere during Cindy’s prayer. He has no idea how long he has nodded off. He hears no praying and doubts anyone else is still awake. He has no idea that Cindy had only paused briefly, so assuming everyone is asleep, he gets up and goes to the bathroom.

    Stephen is in the bathroom for quite a while. He has an upset stomach, and he actually falls asleep on the toilet. But he wakes up again, washes his hands and face, then walks into the living room.

    Cindy is sitting on the sofa, “Why’d you leave the bedroom in the middle of my prayer?”

     Stephen feels the prayer is usually too long, especially after a long day. He doesn’t want to admit he had fallen asleep, “You paused. I just thought it was the intermission and I could use the bathroom, perhaps get some popcorn or something.”

    Cindy feels hurt about his comments and the insinuation that she prays too long. In silence, she gets up and goes to bed.

    Stephen feels bad about his comment, not only to Cindy about her prayer, but also because it referenced an attitude towards God. He gets a snack and goes to bed. They both fall asleep without exchanging any words.

311 

 ************* 

      Late Sunday, after returning home from visiting with Stephen’s mom, Cindy quickly moves about the house, doing chores that hadn’t been looked into with all the ‘on-the-go’.

     Cindy returns from the laundry area, “What is that blood on your shirt and pants?”

     Stephen is brief, “Oh, that’s from Crazy Larry. I tried to help him out when he got a bloody nose the other night.”

     Cindy is also brief, “Well, Rebekkah said she’d stop by tomorrow to pick up our laundry, since our washer is broken. Blood is really hard to get out if it hardens. Maybe next time you can rinse it out.”

     Monday morning Stephen wakes up slowly. He hears Cindy talking on the phone. Then he remembers the washer. Maybe she’s calling a repair person. He listens. She is not talking to a repair person.

     Stephen gets up and is beckoned into his routine. He reads a book to Leah and Josiah first. He is then employed to set up a skit with the stuffed animals …another fresh, spontaneous routine for Shannon to video-tape.

     Cindy gets off the phone temporarily. Stephen interrupts his routine to ask, “Did you call the repair person?”

     Cindy answers while dialing the phone, “No, I didn’t.” She then talks for about thirty minutes to another person. 

     By that time, Stephen runs out of ideas. As he finishes up his comic routine he encourages Leah and Josiah, “Now you make up a skit.”

     Leah and Josiah begin a little skit. Calling a repair person is still on Stephen’s mind. He sees that Cindy is no longer on the phone. But as he is about to reach for it, Cindy calls out, “I’m expecting someone to call right back. You can have the phone after that.”

    Stephen figures he’d better take advantage of the time. He doesn't need to leave for quite a while yet, but who knows what will come up. He’d better get his work clothes together and take a shower. 

     As he passes by the children again, he smiles at their cute interactions with the stuffed animals.

     Speaking of cute, Stephen tries to find some work clothes, but realizes most of them are bagged for Rebekkah to wash. The only shirt he has left is the one Shannon had given him …the one Cindy was careful not to mention how much she disliked.

     Stephen showers and dresses for work. 

     Shannon is video-taping the skit still being performed by Leah and Josiah. Stephen sees that Cindy is still on the phone. He goes outside, backs his car out of the garage, and calls the repair person on that phone. Then he tries to call Frank at work, but the line is busy, and Frank had exclusively asked him not to leave any messages with the secretary.

312 

      Stephen is unaware that Cindy is watching him from an upstairs window. 

      The phone rings. Cindy picks up the phone, but before she can answer, she hears, “Hi, dear”, over the phone. 

      Cindy begins to laugh, but still feels that unnecessary prolonged guilt, “Are you trying to tell me that I talk on the phone too much, and the only way you can talk to me is by calling me on the phone?” 

     Cindy’s defensiveness builds, and is a step away from hurling cruel accusations, but she calms herself to ask one more question, “Did you have to make a lot of phone calls for a repair person?”

    Stephen replies honestly, “No, I only had to make one phone call.”

    Cindy is already agitated, and she knows she shouldn’t have asked that question, but now it is too late. She can't get it out of her mind. She had distinctly seen Stephen talk to two people on the phone before he'd called her. 

 ********************

     Stephen returns inside. He walks up to hug Cindy, but Cindy pulls away. At this point, neither of them realize that Shannon is video-taping. 

     Stephen looks into Cindy’s eyes, “Why did you pull away?”

     Cindy hadn’t thought about it, but she realizes it is true that she had. She considers it a moment, “I'm certain I saw you make two phone calls on your cell phone before you thought it would be cute to call me. Who was the second call to?”

    Stephen realizes the secrecy has gone on too long, “I was talking to the secretary.”

    Cindy views that as no explanation, “The secretary?”

    Stephen explains, “I was trying to reach the Director from work. His secretary answered.” 

     Stephen realizes that is still no real explanation. He knows he’s being evasive, “I don’t like all this secrecy. In fact, I can’t stand it!”

     Stephen doesn’t mean to let that emotion carry, but it does as he suddenly sees Shannon video-taping their conversation, “And I can’t stand not being able to have a conversation without the children hearing everything we say. And now, our conversation is on tape.” 

     Stephen turns to Shannon, “I can’t stand that thing in my face! Get it out of here!”

     Shannon shuts off the camera, places it on the table, then goes to her bedroom.

     Cindy’s emotions are also at a high level, “That’s not a conversation, that’s an argument. I thought you said it’s not good to argue. Now, you hollered at Shannon and she’s off in her bedroom.”

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      Stephen had tried so hard with Shannon and she wouldn’t open up to him at all. Now, he was sure he really ruined everything by hollering at her. If there is anything left to ruin.

     Stephen wants to go to Shannon’s bedroom to attempt to reconcile, but he turns to Cindy instead, “I’m going into work early, and I’m going to march into the Director’s office. This is going to end. Tomorrow, I’ll tell you all about it …one way or another.”

    Cindy has a tear gather in her eye, “I have something to share with you too . . .tomorrow.”

     Stephen is determined. He calls work once again. The line is busy.

     Stephen kisses Cindy on the cheek. He feels she is still holding back. Probably because she feels he is holding something back from her.

     Stephen quickly hugs Leah and Josiah. Shannon is nowhere to be seen. Probably still in her bedroom crying. Tomorrow he will have to reconcile with Shannon too. 

     Stephen hesitates, then announces, “Well, got to go!”

     Stephen heads out the door. As he gets into his car, he sees Leah in the window by herself. Leah uses her little forefinger and thumb to move the front foot of Cody Komodo, waving to Dad.

     Leah is then joined by Josiah, mimicking the same thing as Leah, but with the front paw of Barry, waving the paw at Pa.

     Cindy’s reflection catches Stephen’s eye next. It appears she is crying. But in spite of her tears, she blows a gentle kiss in the upper portion of the window.

     Stephen’s vision is clouded with the gathering of tears. He feels bad about the whole day, the whole weekend, the whole pattern of unsorted feelings. He feels terrible about having hollered at Shannon. She didn’t invest much into showing her feelings towards him, but she had always been there in the window. Ever since Stephen had requested it, she was always there, either video-taping or just standing there. The whole family together in the window was the image that he would always carry with him to work. The whole reason he worked was that image, to hold on to it, and to care for it …to care for them.

     Stephen wipes his eyes as he puts the car in reverse to back down the driveway. As he pushes the tears away, he sees what he had missed before. In the adjacent window, at the very bottom of the window, are ten toes. The ten toes have faces drawn on them, all bowing, as they wave goodbye.

     As he pulls away, Stephen cries tears of relief. He hadn’t injured Shannon’s spirit as he had thought. This is the most she has ever done. She is copying his finger puppetry, but more creatively, with her toes.

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      Going to work, Stephen is driven to tell his boss, Frank, that he is not going to be a part of this special unit anymore. Maybe he should turn around instead. He should really call work and tell them he’s not coming in today. He can tell Shannon he is sorry and maybe she will even hug him this time.

      But maybe that’s why he doesn’t turn around. Maybe the toe-waving was merely to entertain Leah and Josiah. Shannon would probably still back away from a hug. He’d probably just be setting himself up for rejection again. 

     Okay, he wouldn’t try to push a hug on her, but he could say he’s sorry. And he and Cindy hadn’t left on the best terms either. He should tell them both he’s sorry.

    Stephen continues to drive to work. Tomorrow he’d be certain to do that. Tomorrow he’d make it up to them.

    Stephen turns it over in his mind numerous times as he reflects on the day, on the worst of days. Why does he get so tense when Cindy is on the phone? Much of the time it is related to the prayer chain. Cindy is so sincere, and with such a big heart. 

     But Stephen can’t help feeling as he does. Why does everyone else get the big-hearted person and not him?

    Stephen turns on the windshield wipers, then laughs through his tears. It is not the windshield that is moisture-ridden.

    Stephen entertains sad and despondent thoughts as he drives to work, then turns on the news radio station to listen to the sadness of the world. This is a typical pattern for Stephen ...feeling frustrated about his own situation, then creating his own diversion by listening to the problems throughout the world.

    On occasion, Cindy would resource Stephen to get an opinion on the world situation. She would often tell him that he has a good perspective on worldly affairs. But what about the two of them? Many convictions, opinions, and ideas are voiced ...the voice of the people. But what about the voice of God?

    Stephen cries. That is what had been missing. He had felt there was never time to do anything. But there was an hour and a half to work, and the same for the return trip home. And how did he spend it? Feeling despondent? Yes, that he couldn’t deny. In prayer? No. That he could not deny either.

     And when he did pray, it was a short prayer, listing his concerns. Then turning on the news radio station. 

     Should he have left the radio off and prayed long? Not necessarily. He longed for fellowship with Cindy, but how was his fellowship with God? It’s not in the praying long, but in the listening. Did he expect to hear God’s voice, echoing throughout and penetrating the entire universe? Certainly not. But he needed to turn the radio off and have some quiet reflection. He needed to let God quietly touch his heart.

315