But even beyond knowledge, with having the wisdom of what to do, Stephen feels a strong resistance. And that resistance does not easily admit it’s name . . .guilt.
Guilt strives hard to not let us realize the admission of it. And even worse, it will not allow an avenue open to change. The end result is that the path leading to restoration, eventually becomes blocked. And we only see the well-trodden path that had led us to despondency in the first place.
The thought saddens Stephen. He misses her so much. He recalls a cassette tape in the glove compartment. It is a tape of Cindy practicing a speech she was going to give. He puts the tape in. He listens to her voice. He loves her so much.
He cries.
They've so little time together. Why can’t he just find her voice refreshing during those moments that they are together? And when she’s upset, those times when her voice isn’t so refreshing …it should not be a time to challenge her, but to accept the challenge to help smooth things out.
Oh, how he’s failed. Why did he not listen to what her heart was trying to say, instead of what she did often say?
Cindy sits at home in quiet reflection. What kind of life do she and Stephen have? It doesn’t seem like he’s been enjoying work. He does enjoy being home with the children, but what does she do for him to make their marriage enjoyable?
Cindy looks at the life she and Stephen have. It’s all centered around her activity. She makes all the decisions. She recalls a time he accused her of such. He'd accused her of asking his opinion, so she could oppose it; and asking for his help, so she could refuse it.
Cindy recalls the story Grandma had told her, on more than one occasion. It was her 'Sitting Up in Bed' story. Grandma insisted that even though silence can be considered golden at times, communication must go beyond that. But the freedom of communication should not be inclusive of arguing in front of the children. Children should not be subjected to that.
When Cindy married Stephen, she felt she had confidence in him. She felt he was a man of excellent discernment and principles. And she trusted his ability to make decisions. Hadn't she also told him that she was tired of making decisions?
Yes, it had to be more than just having confidence in him. She had to allow him to do it. But she hadn’t. She had devalued his position in the family, as a husband and a father. That has to change, not upon his insistence, but by God’s design.
Cindy cries. It is also God’s design that she is pregnant again. And she doesn’t want a complex life, filled with tension, to be the environment their child will be born into.
Cindy wants to rededicate her life. She wants to do things right. Even if the world feels she is getting too traditional, too restrictive, and maybe even too legalistic, there must be a change ...some change.
********************************
It is getting late. Cindy is extremely tired. All the children are asleep in bed. She so much wants to do the same, but she has a renewed desire to rekindle some communication with Stephen. Tired or not, she will stay up and not abandon that intended commitment. But first, she has another commitment. She thanks God for revealing it to her, and she prays that she will be able to make the change.
Cindy changes her clothes. She puts on that old-fashioned long dress that Fernye and Stephen’s mom had helped her make. She braids her hair the way Stephen likes it. She takes the casserole dish out of the refrigerator that she'd placed there a couple days ago with good intentions. All she has to do now is warm it up and wait.
Teriyaki chicken with rice is one of Stephen’s favorites. And Moose Tracks ice cream awaits in the freezer. Cindy sets the table. Candles will be a nice touch. Very nice. Now all she has to do is …wait.
Cindy sits at home in quiet reflection. What kind of life do she and Stephen have? It doesn’t seem like he’s been enjoying work. He does enjoy being home with the children, but what does she do for him to make their marriage enjoyable?
Cindy looks at the life she and Stephen have. It’s all centered around her activity. She makes all the decisions. She recalls a time he accused her of such. He'd accused her of asking his opinion, so she could oppose it; and asking for his help, so she could refuse it.
Cindy recalls the story Grandma had told her, on more than one occasion. It was her 'Sitting Up in Bed' story. Grandma insisted that even though silence can be considered golden at times, communication must go beyond that. But the freedom of communication should not be inclusive of arguing in front of the children. Children should not be subjected to that.
When Cindy married Stephen, she felt she had confidence in him. She felt he was a man of excellent discernment and principles. And she trusted his ability to make decisions. Hadn't she also told him that she was tired of making decisions?
Yes, it had to be more than just having confidence in him. She had to allow him to do it. But she hadn’t. She had devalued his position in the family, as a husband and a father. That has to change, not upon his insistence, but by God’s design.
Cindy cries. It is also God’s design that she is pregnant again. And she doesn’t want a complex life, filled with tension, to be the environment their child will be born into.
Cindy wants to rededicate her life. She wants to do things right. Even if the world feels she is getting too traditional, too restrictive, and maybe even too legalistic, there must be a change ...some change.
********************************
It is getting late. Cindy is extremely tired. All the children are asleep in bed. She so much wants to do the same, but she has a renewed desire to rekindle some communication with Stephen. Tired or not, she will stay up and not abandon that intended commitment. But first, she has another commitment. She thanks God for revealing it to her, and she prays that she will be able to make the change.
Cindy changes her clothes. She puts on that old-fashioned long dress that Fernye and Stephen’s mom had helped her make. She braids her hair the way Stephen likes it. She takes the casserole dish out of the refrigerator that she'd placed there a couple days ago with good intentions. All she has to do now is warm it up and wait.
Teriyaki chicken with rice is one of Stephen’s favorites. And Moose Tracks ice cream awaits in the freezer. Cindy sets the table. Candles will be a nice touch. Very nice. Now all she has to do is …wait.
Cindy waits and waits. Stephen usually gets home around quarter to one. Now it’s quarter after one. Not too late. Maybe he had to stop for gas.
Quarter to two. Stephen said sometimes he gets so sleepy while driving, he occasionally takes thirty minutes or so to nap, before driving the rest of the way home.
Cindy is overrun with emotion. One minute she is worried, wondering if he could've had an accident on the way home. The next minute she gets agitated, thinking that maybe he got mandated to work an extra shift, but wondering why he wouldn’t call and tell her. Cindy decides to check the answering machine again, to see if she had missed the call.
No messages.
Cindy puts the food away and blows out the candles. She goes to her keepsake box. She retrieves their wedding video. She cries as she watches it. And she falls asleep on the couch.
She wakes up again. It is near three o’clock. Maybe Stephen had come home while she was asleep.
Cindy is hungry. At least she feels she is. She goes to the refrigerator, not knowing what she is looking for. That’s right, she’s looking for her husband. Close the refrigerator and open the garage door. Okay, his car is not there.
She is tired, frustrated, and upset. She almost calls his work to see if he’s there, but she is too disappointed and upset. She decides to go to bed instead.
But that doesn’t work either. As tired as she is, she can’t sleep. She is too upset.
************
Disappointment is too routine. Shouldn’t let disappointment fill that void ...or expectations ruin everything. Tomorrow is another day. And since she is certain he has to work a double shift, tomorrow will be a sleep day for Stephen.
Well, there is always the day after tomorrow. At this point, tomorrow is actually today anyway.
Cindy falls asleep, contemplating all this. She doesn’t sleep well or much, but she does sleep some.
*************
The sun rises. And shortly, at different intervals, the children rise also. Cindy gets them breakfast. And time marches on. Stephen should be home soon …it’s nearly nine o’clock.
Quarter after nine . . .nine thirty. Cindy doesn’t know whether she should get angry or cry. What is Stephen up to?
The phone rings. Oh, yes, it’s finally him! Or is it the person calling about the washer? No, it’s her Dad.
Ken inquires, “Did Stephen work last evening?”
Cindy is confused, “Yes, why do you ask?”
Ken asks further, “Is Stephen there?”
Cindy’s emotions peak with concern. Her Dad doesn’t mean to be evasive, that is just his style, but it is driving Cindy crazy, “No, sometimes he has to work a double. But why did you ask if he worked last evening?”
Ken still inches to the point, “Well, that would explain why he’d have to work a double.”
Cindy, unsuccessfully, tries not to raise her voice, “Would someone please explain it to me!”
There’s a knock at the door.
Cindy tells her Dad, “Hold on, there’s someone at the door. It’s probably the repair person.”
Cindy opens the door. It’s the State Police. Her emotions travel through the phone, “Dad, there are two Police Officers here!”
Ken remains calm, “Well, just see what they want.”
Cindy pleads, “Please don’t hang up, Dad!”
Of the two State Troopers, one of them does all the talking, “Ma’am, no need to panic. We’re just here to ask you a few questions at this point. First of all, are you Cindy Razohn, the wife of Stephen Razohn?”
Cindy feels a lump in her throat, “Yes.”
The State Trooper is all business, “When is the last time you had contact with your husband?”
Cindy pleads over the phone, “Dad, could you please come over here, right now!”
*************************
Ken only lives a couple miles away. When
he arrives, the State Police are just leaving.
Leah and Josiah are playing in another room,
thankfully.
Shannon just stands there, observing fully
Mom’s emotions. The details soak in,
implications and all.
Cindy buries her tear-ridden face into her
Dad’s chest.
Shannon is uncertain what to think.
First, the too often confusion. Then the
unwelcome intrusion of the State Police. Now,
the profusion of tears.
Shannon approaches from the side, burying
her head between Grandpa and Mom, clutching
onto them both.
Cindy’s tears soak her Dad’s shirt, “Why did
the State Trooper say it might be best to find
someplace to stay for the next few days? I
want to stay right here, in case Stephen calls.”
Ken convinces his daughter to follow the
Trooper’s advice. But only after Cindy leaves a
message on her answering machine, in case
Stephen does call. And she leaves him a note
on the dining room table, stating that they will
be at his Mom’s house.
As they travel north to Metamora, Cindy is still
not convinced, “I still feel we are doing the
wrong thing by leaving.”
Ken is not sure either, but he feels the advice
of the authorities should be the deciding factor
when in doubt, “The news said that a prisoner
by the name of Amos Maccabee, who goes by
the name of Tennessee Trucker, has escaped.
They also said that a worker at the prison is also
missing. I’m thankful that they didn’t mention
Stephen’s name. They are at least attempting
to handle this professionally. I think we should
cooperate as fully as we can.”
Cindy begs to differ, “Professionally? They
said they have reason to believe the two are
together. I don’t call that a professional
assumption.”
Ken partially agrees, “Well, there is a difference between what the authorities are trying to do and what the media is going to present.”
Cindy mixes tears of frustration and anger,
“The media has a lot of nerve! What are they
insinuating by saying they have reason to believe
the two are together and it may be a hostage
situation? Of course, if Stephen is with him it is
a hostage situation. How can they imply that it
may be anything else?”
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